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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233194">surprisingly not the worst date night</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pianoblack/pseuds/pianoblack'>pianoblack</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Gen, Originally Posted on Tumblr, barely but just to be sure, mentions of torture</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-27</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 21:50:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,364</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27233194</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pianoblack/pseuds/pianoblack</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>She likes to think herself a bit of a connoisseur of all sorts of torture.  And Generic Animal Mask Horror Troupe can only be described as uninspired.  In fact, as this is her first experience being ostensibly kidnapped and tortured, she finds the entire thing underwhelming and vows to never seek it out again.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Colin Greenmantle/Piper Greenmantle</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>surprisingly not the worst date night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i wrote one little trc halloween adjacent one-shot each week in october 2020.  i'm posting them here now.  the original post can be found <a href="https://stamatis.tumblr.com/post/631542440056258560/kks-trc-halloween-ficlet-whatever-week-1-pairing">here</a>.  happy halloween, y'all.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“I wasn’t planning on dying today, Coco.  I have my untimely death outfit picked out and this is <em>not </em>it.”</p><p>“No one’s going to die today.”</p><p>“Well, I’m sure someone has to die.  Statistics and all that.”</p><p>“Piper - light of my life, my darling, the very breath in my lungs - please, for the love of god, shut the fuck up.”</p><p>“Like, honestly, I’d hate for it to be you but when given the choice…”</p><p>“Is this why you dragged me out here?”</p><p>“I thought it might be fun.  A cute date or something.  Let’s laugh at the haunted house then go find a secluded spot in the attic and have weirdly vanilla sex.  You know, your favorite.  Death was always a possibility, but like - no, ew.”</p><p>“Ah, yes. ‘No, ew’.  Apt as always.”</p><p>“Coco - ”</p><p>“Stop calling me that.”</p><p>“Ugh, fine.  Colin - ”</p><p>“Yes?”</p><p>“Colin, Colin, Colin.  Make yourself useful and fucking save me.  Go all heroic apeshit or whatever men do when they see their damsel in distress.  I don’t know how this works.”</p><p>“My hands are quite literally tied and you should know this because we’re tied together.”</p><p>The door slams open, the rough screech of it echoing off the molding cement walls of the abandoned basement.  It’s Pig Mask this time.  Which, honestly, is such a relief because out of the whole animal mask wearing horror troupe, he’s the only one with any commitment to the terrifying-murderous-thug vibe.  Dog Mask and Horse Mask just don’t have the same - what’s the word? - <em>gusto</em>.  Such a shame that commitment is so difficult to come by these days.</p><p>“You know,” Piper says, “No one ever brought me that torture they promised.  I wanted to see if it’s really as bad as everyone says it is.”</p><p>Pig Mask grunts, which is another thing Piper appreciates about him.  Too often people try a little too hard with tough talk.  It’s all hype and no delivery.  The act itself becomes subpar.  There’s no anticipation, there’s nothing left to the imagination, it’s all been laid out before.  From the initial shove, to the knife in the back, the knife to the side, the knife to the whatever’s in reach, then the expected screaming and begging and blah blah blah.  Piper’s never actually participated in torture - one word: <em>eww </em>- but it’s not like she’s been living under a rock.  She likes to think herself a bit of a connoisseur of all sorts of torture.  And Generic Animal Mask Horror Troupe can only be described as uninspired.  In fact, as this is her first experience being ostensibly kidnapped and tortured, she finds the entire thing underwhelming and vows to never seek it out again.</p><p>Piper eyes Pig Mask because he’s the only interesting thing to look at in the room but he, predictable little pig that he is, mistakes it for something else.  Something more.  He stalks across the room and tugs her up from the chair like he completely forgot that she’s tied to not only to the aforementioned chair but also her useless husband.  God, she’s read about this scenario a thousand times.  It’s no surprise they’d go for the “weak wife,” the “lesser sex,” the whatever-sexist-outdated-cliche within reach.  Well, if they’re going to rely on her “feminine screams of terror” or what the fuck ever possibly igniting something in Colin they have another think coming.  Colin, bless his heart, couldn’t care less about Piper when it came to life and death situations.  That’s really what she loved the most about him.  Old reliable selfishness.</p><p>“Colin,” she whines as she’s pulled from the chair, “Colin, if you’re not going to play I’m not going to invite you to the next one.”</p><p>Pig Mask takes a dull blood stained pocket knife and cuts the ropes to separate the two of them.  She had to at least give credit to Horse Mask for knowing how to tie a decent knot.  Her wrists are starting to chafe and her back hurts but as much as she hates to admit it, she can’t do much about it.  Not yet, anyway.  Piper dutifully rises to her feet, but she rolls her eyes to really really drive the point home that this is boring and she’s not having fun.</p><p>“I didn’t even want to come to this one,” Colin mumbles.  They’ll definitely have to come back to that later.  </p><p>As Piper is being led out, she can just spy Colin fidgeting in the chair and falling over but the thick soundproofed door shuts before she can see or hear Colin hit the ground.  A shame.  That would have at least been a little funny, and this place could do with anything to break up the monotony.  Murderous and frightening only lasts so long before it gets stale.</p><p>“Can you maybe give me the short version?” Piper asks Pig Mask as he carelessly shoves her up the rickety old basement stairs.  This entire thing is just cliche after cliche.  "I made some dinner reservations in case this didn’t go well - which, by the way it isn’t, look for my review - and I don’t want to be too late.“</p><p>"Tell us who your supplier is and maybe we can start bargaining."  Pig Mask’s voice is muffled by the cheap rubber of the mask, but god his breath isn’t.  What was it about cheap criminals that made them think they could forgo basic human hygiene?  Basic decency?</p><p>"If you wanted that information, you should have asked Colin.  He buys, I play."  Piper shrugs.  Or tries to.  She’s managed to make a little room around her wrists but still not quite enough to slip out.  She adds brightly, right as they reach the top of the stairs, "But I can tell you where to get a wicked smooth Brazilian.  Way better than whatever not-cursed trinket Colin is offering.”</p><p>“Don’t lie.  We believe you might have the better source.”</p><p>“Why? That’s stupid.”</p><p>No <em>that</em> was stupid.  They’re right at the top of the stairs.  The entrance is literally right across the hall.  All Piper would have to do is throw Pig Mask backward over the stairs and run straight for the entrance.  She’s small enough to slip between the bushes and she’d be back in the car before Pig Mask had even made it to his feet.  But no.  Now that’s not happening because she just had to ask why.  Now there’s going to be an entire evil monologue that could take who knows how long and will go absolutely no where and - this is the worst part - it probably would have been better left as just a knowing smile or pompous smirk.  She’ll be here for hours at this rate.</p><p>Piper doesn’t even have to count to three before Pig Mask squeals out his generic budget bad guy laugh.  For fuck’s sake, Colin could to better. </p><p>“Well - ” he starts and Piper suddenly understands torture.</p><p>She’s saved by a bullet to the head.  Pig Mask’s head, of course.  As soon as the door at the top of the stairs swings open, Pig Mask is shot pointblank right in the forehead and crumples to the floor.  A pleasant twist.  She might even add half a star to her rating.  Her father (and her father and her father) make quick work of the others.</p><p>“Thanks for picking me up, daddy.  Can you grab Colin from the basement?  I spent all week planning tonight and a concussion won’t get him out of this one."  Piper shimmies her wrists from the loose ropes and goes to find the nearest mirror that hasn’t been splashed in blood and threats of disembowelment.  Her hair is ruined and her lipstick needs to be redone but her wings have barely smudged.  It’s like they weren’t even trying.</p><p>The entire main floor is strewn with the bloody remains of the Generic Animal Mask Horror Troupe and all Piper can think is<em> trite, one-star, waste of time and money</em>.  She steps gingerly through the abandoned living room, careful to avoid the copious amount of gore and viscera.  God, it would be so embarrassing to show up late with blood still sticking to her heels.  </p><p>Now that would be a true nightmare. </p>
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